My friends, they love my intelligence
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I can text with my tongue
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
