My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Randomize
