well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
and she was petting her beer can
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
