U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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