Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
