You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
