I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
