Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
