Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
