Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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