You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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