Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
