you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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