just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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