He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
