oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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