i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
