I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
