then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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