Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
