Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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