I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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