Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
