Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
