If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops