why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.