Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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