It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
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You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
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sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?