He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.