don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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