I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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