Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
