Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
