i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
it was like having sex with a tree stump
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm getting married
To pizza
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
