I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
My liver just had a heart attack.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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