god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
