Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
