he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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