think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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