No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
