So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
