areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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