If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
