Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
