There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
