Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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