I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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