Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
