I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
