She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
