If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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