I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
