Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
