I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
