I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
