I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
i now understand why vodka
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
