last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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