so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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