dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
