Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
