It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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