I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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