you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
