I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
