Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We left an ass print on the piano.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
